Ten Other Women

by Frost on May 31, 2012

An old friend came to visit me in Italy for a few weeks. We’ve just finished an absolute tear of a trip through Rome, Florence, Lucca, Cinque Terre, Bologna, Venice and Milan. But as much fun as it was, it had to end with me telling her to forget about me forever and get on with her life.

This girl was more than just a hook-up. For over a year before I left the country, she was the main squeeze. She was my friend-girl. She was a best friend with benefits. She was my statistically significant other. However many girls I was dealing with on the side while dating her, she was always something special to me. I am as pro-game and anti-marriage as any guy you’ll ever meet, but that doesn’t mean I’m anti-love. Remember, The Cynics Are Deluded Too.

“But for a man with the confidence and understanding of female psychology that Game provides, relationships can be awesome. A woman in love is a joy to be around. She is pleasant, giving, sweet, fun, and a source of energy and inspiration in your life. She works hard to bring happiness and value to your life, takes pride in her appearance, and looks at you with wide, admiring eyes. A happy relationship takes zero effort on your part, and allows you to spend your energy pursuing other goals, while returning to your woman to recharge, vent your daily victories and setbacks, and bask in the energizing presence of someone who genuinely believes in you, your mission, and your ability to achieve it. A weak, unskilled man will never inspire this sort of love, and so will never reap these rewards.

Our relationship was always complicated by our difference of opinions on the monogamy question, but we could always pull off a fine impression of a disgustingly cute and passionately in love couple lounging in bed on a Sunday morning. It was fun, it was easy, and I will always treasure the experience of having fallen in love with this beautiful, smart, sweet, sensitive girl.

But seven months ago, I left her in North America along with the rest of my life, so I could fly to Bangkok and start chasing… something. We mostly broke off contact while I was in Southeast Asia and India, but she asked to meet up for a few weeks and I was happy to say yes.

Our time in Italy was one last hurrah, one final roll through the mud of love. Sometimes it was bittersweet. Mostly it was just sweet. But it ended the way it always had to, with me telling her that we didn’t want the same things in life, and that it’s in her best interest to start getting over me. She’s twenty-seven and wants to have a family. I’m twenty-seven and I have other plans for the next decade. I’m pretty sure I could have convinced her to continue waiting for me to, in her words, just be a good man, but that’s not in either of our best interests.

We parted ways at Stazione Centrale in Milano, as she waited to board the 3:00pm express to Rome. She had held it together pretty well until a half an hour before boarding, at which point the waterworks began in earnest:

“I’m just so frustrated. We could have been so good. We could have been so happy. I know you want the same things I want. I know you value the same things I do. I can picture our lives together so easily, and it hurts so much that you don’t want it.”

I pulled her head back from my shoulder and smirked back at her tear-streaked face: “You know, you’re right. I think I’m going to move back in August for good, and we can start shopping for a nice three or four bedroom in Hintonburg.We’ll host lots of awesome dinner parties, our team will win the city Ultimate championship, we’ll spend our nights at the best restaurants and bars in the city, and then we’ll have four kids over the next ten years, one daughter and three sons. They’ll all be just as tall, brilliant, good-looking and cool as us, if not more, and the combination of my sociopathy and your mushy empathy will produce healthy, well-adjusted personalities. ”

She broke into a sad smile and buried her head back on my chest: “Stop it. You’re just making me cry harder.”

I said, “I think you’re doomed to cry right now no matter what. Hell, even I might be getting a little misty. Either that or I have to sneeze.”

“You’ve never cried over us, have you?”

“I’m not much for crying, woman. You know that. But you also know that I love you, and that I’m going to miss you.”

“Oh God, I love you so much. I just wish we had been born some other time, and this could have worked. We could have been so good, Frost, So good.

* * *

And she’s absolutely right. In a monogamous world, we could have had a nice little life together. This girl really was the whole package. She coulda been a contender. But in the world we live in, I’m off to chase sloots in France and Spain, while she’s going home to build an E-harmony profile. I hope it works out well for her, but reality is what it is, and reality is not kind to women in their late 20s who’ve had a taste of real masculine polarity in a relationship.

As for me, though it hurts to close the door on this girl, I’m damn excited for what comes next. As free as I’ve been, there’s always been a part of me that held back from new girls, emotionally if not physically.

So, a moment of silence please, while I play our song:

(Dear keyboard warriors, I had a great relationship with an incredible girl. I experienced one of the life’s greatest pleasures, passionate and requited love, the praises of which mankind’s poets can’t stop singing: Was that beta?)

Anyways. As beautiful as the past was, it is now the past. On to business.

What am I going to do?

Well, I just so happen to know of a blog that’s chock-full of pearls of wisdom, such as this fine post on How To Deal With A Breakup:

1) Hit the gym

A funny thing happens to a man’s body when he’s in a relationship. His testosterone levels drop, all the better to make him into a sensitive, Grey’s Anatomy-watching cuddle-buddy who will keep a pair bond stable and dull. You need to metaphorically inject yourself with a dose of the manly molecule ASAP, before the combination of low-T and loneliness send you spiraling into wussiness. Get your ass under a squat rack, lift heavy regularly, and you’ll feel like a grizzly rather than a teddy bear.

Check. Just got back from a heavy hour of pushups, pullups, handstand pushups, jump squats, shadow boxing, and three sprints up a 200 metre, 45 degree incline hill outside the Auberge De Jeunesse in Lyon. Grrrr.

2) Get in shape

Partially covered above, but relationships have a tendency to catalyze the growth of spare tires around the midsections of ensnared men. Put yourself on a healthy diet, incorporate sports and light physical activity into your lifestyle, and if you must torment your body with liquor, drink like a paleolithic alcoholic.

Work in progress. After three months of hard sparring in Thailand, I was a beast. After a month of vegetarian food and yoga in Rishikesh, I was lean, flexible and quiet-minded as fuck. Now, after a month of wine, gigantic meals, and almost zero exercise, I am the definition of skinny-fat. I suppose I don’t look all that different with a shirt on then I used to, but I miss being a lean, mean killing machine. Solution: Leave the bread and pasta on the table and hit the surf hard. Mix in yoga, convict conditioning, and find some weights to throw around in Hossegor.

3) Make a budget

Unless this is your first time here, you know better than to consistently pay for a girl in a relationship. But the transition to being single will throw a wrench into your best-laid financial plans. Bar tabs, condoms, drink dates, sexual health clinic visits, and all sorts of costs incidental to the single life enter your income statement. Maybe you’re even shopping for a new apartment.

Whatever the case, your financial situation is now different. Take this opportunity to consider what expenses you can do without. Make a financial plan that keeps you happy, and lets you sock a few bucks away for when you want to quit your job and travel the world.

Fuck a budget in the ear. As always, I’m going to try to avoid dropping coin on stupid shit. But will I ever turn down a potentially great experience because it costs a few Euros? Nahh.

4) Fuck everything that walks…

…And then find some wheelchair-bound sloots to top it all off. Go to the bar. Go to the coffee shop. Introduce yourself to girls. Have sex with them. Get their phone numbers. Have sex with them. Go on (cheap) dates. Have sex with them.

If you were in a moderately serious relationship, you probably spent 5-20 hours a week with the girl. So now you have a lot of free time. Are you going to fill that time with a) Tears, b) Video games, or c) Sluts? Door number three is the correct answer, gentlemen. It is very, very hard to feel sorry for yourself when you’re consistently getting laid with girls who are at least as attractive as your ex.

Fait attention, mes petites dévergondées françaises!

5) Learn game

Yeah, I know. You already have game. You’ve banged XX girls, or even XXX. Well, I hate to break it to you friend, but you’ve gotten soft. Lay a saucer of milk out every night for the hardest cat on the block, and he’ll be doing a Garfield impression on your stoop before the year’s out.

You’re only as good as your last set. And your last set was a while ago. Review some classic material, and start racking up approaches. Your mind has forgotten a lot of what it knew about the dynamics of conversations with new women. You need to re-learn that unconscious competence.

One would think that I’d be rusty, after two barren months in India and a month of domestication in Italy (albeit with one week on the prowl in between). But I feel dangerous. I don’t have enough data to confirm this yet, but I think a month of meditation did… something.

6) Re-evaluate your life

Breakups suck, but they can also serve as catalysts for all sorts of necessary changes in your life. When two people are in an intimate relationship, part of who they are becomes consumed by the dual identity they’ve forged with their partner. The sickeningly close couples who do everything together and finish each other’s sentences are an extreme example, but even two people in a non-co-dependent relationship will lose a piece of themselves. It’s not even necessarily a bad thing.

But now that you’re single, you have a rare opportunity to cast aside the assumptions you’ve been trapped in. Change and personal growth often feeds back on itself, building up momentum. When you make small changes, bigger ones start to seem possible. If your girlfriend broke up with you, use the chaos in your life to completely reinvent yourself as whoever yo want to be.

Meh. My life is great, and the past six months has been a period of constant introspection and re-evaluation. I expect that to be ongoing, but it’s unrelated to any one girl.

7) Become too good for her

The end of a relationship is a scary time, because each person must immediately (and subconsciously) conduct a bottom-up reassessment of their sexual marketplace value. Once upon a time, you and the lady made the mutual decision that you were a fairly close match.

If she ended it, it’s likely because she subconsciously made the decision that she is now too good for you.

So what’s happened in two years? Have you gotten fat? Has your career stalled, and dragged your confidence down with it? Most importantly, have you lost the passion and drive that attracted her to you in the first place?

If so, it is completely within your power to become a better man, and become so much better that the girl you’re currently fighting back tears over, wouldn’t even earn a second glance from you. It’s not healthy to be obsessing over “winning” the breakup, years after the fact. But if you’re in a fragile state, take strength and motivation from whatever sources you can.

I’m not dwelling on becoming too good for this particular girl, because I wish her all the best. Instead, I am going to focus on becoming too good for any girl. I will become so good, that even if I amass a harem of all four billion of the world’s women, I’ll still feel like I’m settling. My friends will say things like, “Frost, we like your four billion woman harem, really, we do. But don’t you think… well, it’s just that you’ve got a lot to offer… and maybe, you know, actually never mind.”

*

Next week, I’m settling into Soorts-Hossegor for a month of French waves, French wine and French women.

I will resume my daily meditation practice.

I will find a gym and throw some weights around.

Most importantly for you, dear reader, I have notebooks upon notebooks of blog posts and a new book sketched out, and I will be spraying my writing out into the world in an epic literary bukkake, the likes of which the world has never before witnessed.

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

Dreamer June 8, 2012 at 2:29 pm

I think you created an Alpha Widow. Even if you successfully broke it off, I think she will have you dancing in her head despite she might be in the arms of a new man. I feel sorry for the next man. Unless he is able to blast her memory of you, he would be dealing with a girl who would choose to be with you if she had the choice.

Frost June 9, 2012 at 11:30 am

I think you’re probably right. And even if she (or any other 27 year old woman looking to dismount from the carousel) finds a man worth forgetting me, he’ll probably just do the same thing. Not so easy being a woman either these days.

FFY June 5, 2012 at 2:44 am

You did the right thing. And like Badger said, you’ll never be able to “win” in some people’s eyes.

Great post, though. It spoke to me. In another life, me and my ex would be doing the picket fence, 2.5 kids thing. Dated three years, perfect match, etc. I don’t really believe in soul mates, but if I did, she’d be one of them.

Instead, broke up with her because marriage isn’t in my cards. Like your girl, although she gets that I don’t want to be married, she doesn’t “get” that I don’t want to be married. Hope springs eternal.

We’ve been seeing each other off and on since the break up over a year ago. We’ll start talking again and we’ll pick up right where we left off. But it always has to end.

One of these days I’ll have to summon the willpower you did and finally cut it off for good.

Frost June 9, 2012 at 11:39 am

Yeah. It’s also hard to convince a girl that you definitely aren’t going to settle down with her, when you aren’t even 100% sure yourself. I’ve always known on an intellectual level that I won’t be having a family until my thirties, but there are always times, chilling out with this or that semi-serious girlfriend when I think… ya know, this wouldn’t be so bad.

There’s also the moral dimension. I’ve always justified fucking around with girls by saying, I’m honest with them about what I want, and that puts the responsibility for making good life decisions in her court. Of course, women aren’t very good at making life decisions, such as in this case, I could easily keep this one on the line for a few more years, at which point she’s completely SOL. Do we owe girls more than simple honesty? Do we even owe them that? Or are they just, as we say, collateral damage?

Koanic June 9, 2012 at 11:52 am

We don’t owe them anything. We take, by right of conquest.

Their weakness is not our problem. Their innocence is a bad joke.

Rather, it’s about whether you want to be the type of person who exploits his conquests to their detriment, or not.

I choose not to, which involves a certain amount of sacrifice and mercy on my part… as long as they play by my rules.

A June 10, 2012 at 9:51 am

The female species is forever grateful to you I’m sure Koanic :) “Right of conquest” I’m dying… please keep writing.

A June 3, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Ok since apparently no other females have commented, here is the token female response:
Situations like this make me blame the girl. From the beginning if she wanted a marriage-track relationship, she shouldn’t have stayed with you in a casual relationship if you were not committed to her monogamously. Even though you were more than random hook-up status and had genuine feelings, you were never giving her the lifestyle she wanted with you. Unfortunately for her she continued in the “relationship” and here you are now in Italy with the tearful goodbye that should have happened when you were first clear about your intentions.

Frost June 9, 2012 at 11:49 am

But maybe I can change! If only she tries a bit harder…

puahate.com June 3, 2012 at 8:15 pm

This is reason why “game” and all the other bullshit is needed. Because dickheads like you get “good” women and then treat them like shit. Now if this woman tried to play games with you, cheat on you, if she wasn’t feminine, if she didn’t know how to suck dick, etc etc then those are all perfectly good reasons to move on. But you said yourself that this was not the case. this is part of a post that was made on rooshv.com that pretty much hits the nail on the head.

“Roosh goes to the last places on Earth to find good wholesome women and uses them like disposable razors, then encourages a whole pack of men just like him to do the same. What impact do you think that’s going to have in 10 years? We’ve seen how frail and fragile traditional cultures are to the onslaught of globalism, what makes you think EE, SE Asia, and Latin America will somehow not be affected at all by us going over there and continuing to wage our war of hedonism?

We can’t act like dancing on the sick, festering body of a broken society is doing it any good. We didn’t make it sick to start with, but we also can’t say we aren’t part of the disease. And we’re contagious.”

An the best part of the post.

“It would be one thing if we were actually taking a stand and turning down pussy that didn’t uphold to a set of standards. But we’re not doing that. We’re messaging, approaching, validating, and fucking those terrible acting sluts anyway, while also hitting and quitting any good women that happen along our path.”

The only thing that your doing is helping to create the next generation of man hating feminist. I mean what incentive are you giving women to be good or did you simply get rid of her because you wanted quantity over quality?

Frost June 9, 2012 at 11:51 am

Maybe the rotten core needs to torn down before a new foundation can be laid.

Or maybe not. In any case, I’m always going to act in my own self interest, as will everyone else. If you want to Change The World, I suggest pursuing strategies that acknowledge this constraint.

Badger June 3, 2012 at 8:08 pm

The start of this thread showed how a man can’t win in some people’s eyes. If you remove yourself from her life because you can’t give her what she wants and want to let her go find it, you’re a dick. If you were to keep her for your own aims and allowed her to downgrade her own, you’d be a dick. I suppose the only non-dick move would be to not let her fall in love with you in the first place (making men responsible for female emotions).

No women have commented on this post, but I don’t have to be one to say that women are never going to be comfortable with the idea of men breaking up with them, even if it’s for the best. That takes the power of choice out of their hands and deprives them of the desperately-cited “closure.” That they would rather invest in a false fantasy that the man is going to turn around and become Mr Commitment than take a clean break when it’s offered is not our problem to negotiate. I have never heard a woman appreciate, in retrospect, that a man did the “right thing” in euthanizing an ailing arrangement and letting both get on with their lives.

One of my previous loves was forever angry (probably still is) at the guy she dated two guys before me, because he dumped her. She was hateful and never forgave him the momentary hurt he caused her even as she listed his incessant faults and why he was a bad match. The next guy she was with, she dumped, and then was butthurt that he didn’t want to have a friends-only relationship. Solipsism on parade.

The moral of the story is don’t feel bad about emotional pain if continuing the relationship is not in your best interests. If a breakup is the right move, drop her firmly and honestly – be gentle with her emotionally but do not equivocate. You know they wouldn’t waste a second dropping you if they thought you weren’t the best option.

Frost June 9, 2012 at 11:57 am

My policy has always been to be honest with girls about what I want, and what my intentions are. As long as I tell the truth, the onus is on the girl to make good decisions that are in her own self interest. Of course this is silly man logic and morality, which assumes people are intelligent, rational and responsible for themselves. Usually morality equates to: Makes a woman sad = wrong.

But somehow, I seem to have come out of this one with my reputation unscathed. Although a big part of it is that she is being big about it, and is pouring water on the fiery hatred of her hamster-gang, a few members which are unfortunately in my social circle.

Cúchulainn June 1, 2012 at 3:32 am

Putting on weight is easy in Italy. I actually lost a lot while I was there though. I knew I didn’t have much money, so I didn’t go out to eat and drink every night and made myself eggs and pancetta pretty often. I did a ton of walking, ran the stairs by my apartment, and would do pushups between chapters while reading.

I’m going to start Convict Conditioning eventually. I was doing the pushup progression and going to start the rest once I finished therapy on my knee, but I’ve had to stop the pushups too. I just got my appendix taken out two days ago. Its been a rough couple of months physically for me, but I’m staying positive. Your attitude lately, as Aurini noted and I did a while back, has been positive and that has helped influence me.

Vicomte May 31, 2012 at 5:48 pm

This post made me think of Infinite Jest, where LaMont Chu is discussing with Lyle how badly he wants to be a professional tennis player.

‘You burn with hunger for a food that does not exist.’

Nice to be done with that ‘litterateur’ bullshit, though.

(R)Evoluzione May 31, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Frost, way to gut-check yourself with this one.

Man, I’ve had three loves that I would call “lifetime loves,” meaning that in another lifetime, I’d have married them and done the domestic habitation & reproduction bit. Seeing the writing on the wall with the first two, I did what you did. The third one got me. I proposed to her while we were in grad school, but the relationship imploded hypergamously. Damn do I wish I would have had the balls to do what you did with that last one, but I was far too deep in the beta zone. Yes, falling deep in love is beta, but there’s nothing wrong with that as long as you keep your alpha, pimp-hand-strong edge. Failing that, in today’s climate, relationships will almost always implode. Though you went deep into the beta-comfort of deep, requited love, ultimately alpha won out by ending the relationship on a high note.

Even so, under ideal conditions, a relationship can continue under alpha house rules, with both deep love and alpha male dominance in the mix. This is the gold standard, but is a challenge to achieve in this SMV.

Aurini May 31, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Your blog has been brimming with positive energy lately. That meditation might have had an effect, after all.

Frost May 31, 2012 at 3:30 pm

You’ve just got to, like, feel the love man. Don’t you know that, like, EVERYTHING isn’t even made of atoms and molecules. It’s made of LOVE. Whoa. We should be writing all of this down.

But seriously, I’m really excited to get back into the meditation habit. Powerful stuff. I don’t know if it’s the meditation, all the long, quiet walks one naturally takes while on the road, things I’ve been reading, or just age, but some combination of the three has been pretty intense on my outlook. In a lot of ways I feel more powerful, but also more unsettled and confused.

I’m sure I’ll have more to write on the subject. What’s your meditation practice?

Asdf May 31, 2012 at 11:58 am

It all depends on what you do from here.

Azret May 31, 2012 at 9:11 am

As a long time reader, I take a lot of what you say as pretty awesome, inspiring, and as the catalyst of shaking my own beta tendencies. However, this post had me on the fence as what you really intended to do by calling your main squeeze back into your life. In your book, you told her to forget you when you dropped it all, and here you are spending more time. Were you intending to be a dick or intending to make up for sub-par game in your trip? If the former is the case, why? If the latter is the case, isn’t self improvement unrestricted to location and situation?

Reading this I see you calling this girl back in the future and fucking up any progress she’s made in letting go. I don’t think its because you want to be a dick, unless stated above. I think even part of you thinks in some way monogamy can happen.

Frost May 31, 2012 at 3:24 pm

The full story is a bit more complicated.

Basically, I left and told her to move on.

She suspected I would come back and say, OK, I’ve had my wild oats years, time to settle down. So she didn’t move on. Or at least, claimed not to and certainly never fully got over me.

She wanted to come to Italy, I told her she could, but that she had to understand that I haven’t changed, and I have no plans to. She could come, but only as a friend who wanted to travel with and bang me for a month. She agreed.

Obviously there were some emotions at time, especially after a bottle or three of negromare, but for the most part we just had a fun trip as old friends and lovers. Now she is sad, but fully committed to eventually moving on with her life.

I could even argue that her seeing me, and hearing the assuredness in my voice when I told her I didn’t want the picket fence, did her a lot more good than cutting off contact would have.

Also, Italy is a great place to travel with a girl, split hotel rooms, and get all romantic and sheeit. It’s not like she wanted to come meet me in ko phi phi.

Koanic June 1, 2012 at 4:28 am

Yeah, you shoulda put that in there. It would’ve made you sound more like Roosh and less like… douche.

Carmo May 31, 2012 at 8:46 am

hardly dicksih, more like a guy who knows his path and wont let anything get in his way. Great post, always feel motivated after reading your stuff. Great timing as well as I just got out of a short, albeit intense 3 month fling. Just the kick in the pants I needed.

Frost May 31, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Lift and mack. lift and mack. lift and mack.

Koanic May 31, 2012 at 6:20 am

That said, this post is respect worthy. Albeit dickish.

Koanic May 31, 2012 at 6:19 am

Ehh, you sound like a dick. I would’ve kept her. Always room for more.

Long distance LTR game, Hypnotic orgasmic phone sex is a must.

Frost May 31, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Keeping her would have been the greater dick move.

She’s a nice girl. I don’t want to string her along until she’s 35.

One could make the argument that it’s still her choice to keep chasing the rainbow, but I think I’ve given her a much better chance at having a family by doing what I did.

Koanic June 1, 2012 at 7:11 am

Keeping her without giving her children wasn’t the alternative I was proposing.

It’s not for everyone.

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