Guest Post Week: Enter The Chad-Man

by Frost on November 20, 2011

Frost’s Note: Ever since I started Freedom Twenty-Five, I’ve been getting a weekly email from The Chad-Man asking if I could link to his blog, which he assures me is a wealth of advice on dating, exercise, and other topics that would be of interest to my readers. I haven’t yet confirmed the brilliance of the Chad-Man’s words of wisdom, but he seems legit. The Chad-Man apologizes for not posting more often recently, but he says he found it demoralizing that he only had like fifty readers in his month of regular posting. I told him, dude, maybe you should have actually promoted this advice column of yours. Then he was all like, whatever bro, I write the advice column around here!

In any case, check out the Chad-Man’s blog, and I’ve posted what he assures me is the “all-time sickest shit he’s ever written” as a guest submission below:

*

The Protein Girl

Hey Chad,

There’s this really cute girl at the health supplement store where I pick up my protein powder. She usually smiles at me and seems nice. Should I ask her out? How would you recommend I go about it?

– David


Hey David, you sound like you’re in the early stages of becoming a stone-cold player! Props.

The short answer to your question is that yeah, you should totally throw down some game on this girl.  Straight up players like ourselves need to flex at every available opportunity. For example, I got like four different phone numbers at the club last night, you see what I mean?

Now I don’t know about you but my diet consists of seven food groups and protein powder is about four of them. I slam a pound that shit every two weeks. You should be going through at least twice that, to 1) get jacked, and 2) have more opportunities to mack on this fine, fine lady. You want to be buying as much protein as your system can handle without inducing liver failure, and purchasing it in the smallest size possible to maximize your face time with the broadski.

You’re probably used to the club as your primary hunting grounds, which is cool, but there are some serious differences between club game and health food store game. The protein girl is going to require more of a slow play, you feel me? Start by figuring out her work schedule so you don’t accidentally go in on her day off. Flirt with her at the counter, but keep it down to a few minutes if there are people waiting behind you. She is probably really into fitness, so talk about your workout as much as you can – make sure you let her know how much you can bench! You also want to mention that your favorite way  to unwind after your workout is by playing a little guitar.

So now she recognizes you, you’ve got some rapport, and she knows that you work out and eat protein 24/7, and that you play guitar. Tell her about your car too, and if you were on your high school football team, mention that. Chicks dig athletes. Bottom line, she knows you’re the shit, you know you’re the shit, and it’s on. Time to let this girl know you’re serious.

Usually a good pickup line will take hours of work getting the wording and timing right while practicing in front of a mirror, but with this chick, you’ve got a line so obvious it pretty much writes itself! Wait for a day when your eyes aren’t too jaundiced from amino acid overload, walk in there like you own the place, and let her know what’s up: “Hey. [pause] You want to come over to my place for a workout later? [INTENSE eye contact] Maybe I’ll hook you up with my own protein shake at the end of it. ” [Big smile]

And that’s how it’s done. Play on brother!

* * *Chad-Man  Pro Tips * * *

– The other three food groups are vodka, red bull and post-club gyros from the foreign dude whose accent I can do a hilarious impression of

– Cashiers usually have name tags, so start calling this chick by her first name ASAP to make things more intimate between you two

– Sometimes a girl’s loser manager will be secretly in love with her. Your game will make him jealous and he’ll say shit to you like, “Please leave, you’re making our cashier uncomfortable” when you come in the store. Fuck him.


David sends us tickets to the GUN SHOW
David sends us tickets to the GUN SHOW

 

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Gary Niger November 21, 2011 at 7:33 pm

You forgot a few pointers there brah, namely:
-Don’t forgot to tell her you love to curl in the squat rack.
-Cardio is for faggots
-All powerlifters are fat.

Rob November 20, 2011 at 12:25 pm

“Now I don’t know about you but my diet consists of seven food groups and protein powder is about four of them.”

Hilarious. Still laughing.

Anonymous November 20, 2011 at 8:12 am

Also make sure to tell her how much you like going tanning, doing laundry and watching the Jersey Shore.

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: