Ask An Asshole: Round 1

by Frost on April 15, 2011

Even I was a little bit surprised at the rapid and positive response I’ve received to Freedom Twenty-Five’s Ask An Asshole initiative. Mere hours after posting my offer to the blogosphere’s young ladies, Katie of Date Me DC responded with the subtext-dripping comment:

“So, you are writing to ask me if I will let you blog on my blog?”

To which I answer: No. I already have a blog of my own, with a cool header and everything. But I am interested in blogging about your blog, because I find the entire trainwreck that is the modern dating scene fascinating. Date Me DC is a good example of everything that’s wrong with the modern urban, single, young-ish woman’s approach to men.

Readers who aren’t Katie, here’s a good post of hers to start with: The Precipice of Spinsterhood.

“You see, Megs and I — as well as a plethora of our other fabulous female friends — find ourselves in a precarious and perplexing position: We’re cute. We’re smart. We’re articulate, well-traveled (her more so than me), energetic, fun and down to explore. And yet, at 29 and 28, respectively, we are still single — standing on 30’s lonely doorstep — with ZERO reasonable prospects.

In the past, we would have resorted to self-flagellation — “What is wrong with me?” we may have asked through tears and a bottle of pinot. “Why aren’t there any guys who want to stick around?”

But over Saturday’s chocolate chip pancakes, Megan K. and I flipped the script:

It’s not us. It’s them.

You read the second paragraph I wrote. There’s nothing wrong with us! Sure, we’ve got myriad flaws just like any other person on this planet, but there’s nothing so major there as would send anyone running for the hills to return with torches and pitchforks.

It is NOT us. It’s you people — you men and your wayward penises. Megs and I have spent enough time with you all to come to the depressingly stark conclusion that at our ages, there are simply no acceptable men to date.

It’s a strange phenomenon that slowly builds as you enter your late 20s/early 30s as a woman. We are watching the window of opportunity inch toward closed because from our vantage point, there is literally something entirely undateable about every single man we meet.”

So Katie. And I suppose, Megs. You claim there is something undateable about literally every man you meet. What would you say to a friend, who told you that every movie ever made was unwatchable? Every dish, inedible? Every job, unbearable? Probably, you would tell them to develop more realistic standards towards movies, food and jobs.

So why not follow the same advice yourself with regard to men? Let me answer that for you.

1) Settling is for chumps. Kate (and Megs) are no chumps!

2) There really are lots of great movies, tasty meals, awesome jobs, and good men out there in the world. Holding each to a high standard and being willing to shop around for the best will make for a better life than casually accepting mediocrity.

3) Finding love is not about making cold cost-benefit calculations, assessing your “market value” etc. It’s about finding someone you feel a spark with, seeing if they feel it too, and then figuring out if your goals and lives align enough so that you have a future together. All you need is Love! Daaa da da da da daaaa.

Anyways. That’s what you’ve been taught – Katie, Megs, and the entire female half of North America – for your entire lives. You are the Sex and The City generation, and each of you is doing her best to live up the Carrie Bradshaw dream of youthful fun and sisterhood, eventually topped off by a grand marriage to the handsome, confident, wealthy Mr. Big who will eventually sweep you off your feet. Sometime in your late thirties.

And how’s that working out for you?

All the single ladies, put your hands up. Here’s a chart, courtesy of Katie, that you can probably relate to:

The guys you like won’t call, and the guys who call, you don’t like.

As time goes on, replace the word “call” with commit, settle down, and get married. But the experience remains the same. Why does life have to be so hard for the single 30-year-old woman? Dalrock has the answer. You want alpha:

“The good news is alphas are available if you are an attractive woman.  You can choose from one of the following empowering options:

  1. Pump and dump
  2. Short Term Relationship
  3. Become a part of a PUA harem
  4. Have an affair with a married Alpha.
  5. Become one wife of several in a polygamous marriage.
  6. Marry an alpha.

Lets start with the glorious pump and dump.  All you need to do is be on the lookout for the smoothest seeming guy in the world.  Actually, just dress appropriately and he will find you.  Don’t worry if he seems like the greatest guy in the world, who knows exactly how you are feeling and you have an amazing instant connection.  You might be concerned when this happens thinking, wait a minute, all I want is a pump and dump and this guy seems like the man of my dreamsNot to worry.  Your pump and dump is all but assured.

Now on to the short term relationship with an alpha.  Actually your strategy should be the same as for a pump and dump, except you want to signal to him during the process that you are worth a relationship.  Go ahead and act as if you would be the best girlfriend in the world.  Most women err on the side of not signaling relationship potential enough to alphas, and get stuck in the pump and dump phase.

Becoming part of a PUA harem is easier than it sounds, which is good news for you!  Your best shot at joining this elite club is to fall madly in love with the PUA.  Aim for a LTR or even marriage in your mind (but don’t mention commitment).  You will know you are part of a harem when you feel like you are in a long term relationship with the man of your dreams.  Don’t worry about the lack of sign of other women.  Remember, he’s an alpha so it is guaranteed that he will be getting some on the side.  The more alpha he is, the better the chance is that you are part of a full fledged harem (which for strategic reasons you can’t see).

Having an affair with a married alpha is another great option.  Often times you can fall into this by accident by merely following the advice above.  If you want to jump-start the process, find a friend or coworker who is already having an affair with a married alpha and see if he can work you in.

Becoming a wife in a polygamous marriage is tougher in the US than the other options, simply because the law frowns upon this type of arrangement.  Joining a less formal harem is probably a better bet.  But if you really need absolute domination to find your tingle, you might consider emigrating to a country like Saudi Arabia.  I’m told there are plenty of alphas there ready to fulfill your needs.  As I understand it some areas of Utah can be a good place to find this kind of arrangement as well.

Marrying an alpha is the pinnacle of alpha chasing success.  Instead of being “the other woman”, you could be the one with the satisfaction of knowing he is having exotic affairs while remaining married to you.  This could be a point of pride for the whole family, your children included.  Very few women ever make it to this level, although many try.  For example, lets say you shoot for just a regular alpha, and not a lesser or super alpha.  By definition, his lifetime partner count is going to be between 100 and 500.  For simplicity’s sake, lets take the average of the two figures which comes out to 300 partners. Lets also assume that 1 in 5 of this level alpha actually marries.  This would mean roughly 1,500 women sleep with alphas for every one woman who marries one.  So chances are you will have to try lots of alphas before your number comes up.  However, this brings up another problem.  For an alpha (or greater beta for that matter) to see you as marriage worthy you will need to have a very low partner count.  So with that said, your best bet is probably to be extremely beautiful and try to marry an older alpha while you are young and inexperienced.  While the numbers are stacked against you, hopefully you can take solace at the other exciting and empowering ways to enjoy an alpha referenced in this post if your bid to marry an alpha turns unexpectedly into a pump and dump, harem participation, etc.

Now go out there and get your alpha, and report back on how it went!”

The men you like have options, so they don’t care enough to treat you well. The men who treat you well are excited to be dating you – probably because not many other women return their calls. So you’re caught choosing between two sets of guys: One who see themselves as out of your league, and another that you see as out of yours.

This is why there are no good men. It’s why you make pictures like this:

So what’s the solution?

Katie, (and Megs!) your standards are way, way too high. You can have cool, sexy guy, or you can have nice, thoughtful, commitment guy. You cannot have cool, sexy, nice, thoughtful commitment guy. He does not exist. Or at least, he is rare. And where he exists, he doesn’t marry sassy, potty-mouthed, argumentative, tricenarian tankgrrls.

You may think I’m being harsh. But my radical honesty will do you more good than the friends, Cosmo articles and pop culture icons who will happily lie to you for the remainder of your child-bearing years.

Girls (women!) in your late twenties and early thirties, here are your options:

1) Snip off the bottom 9/10ths of your husband checklist, and start looking closer at the chubby guys, the awkward guys, the guys with meh jobs. Find one you sort-of, kind-of click with, and marry him. You can have your fairytale wedding, grow old together, have a stable family, and be happy. Albeit, a little bored.

2) Snip off the bottom half of that checklist, and find a cool, decent guy who pushes a few of your buttons and seems interested in a family. Treat him well. (That’s a separate post entirely, but in brief: Men like sweet, feminine, genuine girls – sarcasm is the ultimate turnoff.) He will probably drag his feet on a big wedding, and you will probably have to swallow the occasional affair from him, but you’ll find it’s easier than you think.

3) Hold on to your list. Continue dating the 5% of guys who meet your criteria. But keep in mind that they also meet the criteria of every girl in the city, so he might not have time to see you more than once a week. Since you want children, resign yourself to single parenthood (but hurry up!), and find a suitable biological father your your legacy. Don’t expect much fatherly support – but sitters are cheap.

Note that each of these options requires making concessions. In her twenties, a woman is at the peak of her sexual power – the world is a dreamy paradise of men fawning, chasing, stepping over themselves for your attention.

But with the big three-oh just over the horizon, a woman needs to start asking hard questions: What do I really want in my life? What can I actually, realistically get? What trade-offs am I going to have to make between stability and excitement? This post is not about judging the choices Katie has to make. Just a freezing bucket of ice-cold reality: Choices exist. You can either have the man you want, or the type of relationship you want. But you can’t have it all.

{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }

Charlyn Shorb May 25, 2011 at 10:23 am

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mikerosss May 22, 2011 at 5:53 am

Terrific work! This is the type of information that should be shared around the web. Shame on the search engines for not positioning this post higher!

Peter-Andrew: Nolan(c) May 1, 2011 at 8:50 am
Mina May 1, 2011 at 3:21 am

Ops, premature posting.

The thing is that the whole society discuss the flaws of women. (and sometimes the flaws of men, that is the same stupid way of looking at it) And as I see it, that is the biggest problem.

Men an women are mostly the same. Start treat eachother

Mina May 1, 2011 at 3:15 am

Now. I dont’t live in America. So that is perhaps something that I might get wrong here… The sex-and-the-city girls probably exists. But so what? Why does woman quote: “need to settle”? Who are you that is concerned? Could not the approach to this “problem” just as well be solved by telling men to start imitating alphas in a higher extent?

Dont

Norm May 1, 2011 at 1:34 am

Well travelled. Sounds to me like a metophor for many partners. :)

Jameseq April 30, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Well travelled is a euphemism for well-heeled…

yourebuying April 30, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I love the smell of charred hamster in the morning.

Opus April 29, 2011 at 9:09 am

@Pryanka Chopra

Actually it is even worse than that.

Not only are men not the slightest bit interested in well-travelled, but well-travelled is almost certainly synonymous, with ‘I travelled to score and have screwed loads of guys on my travels’. She may be playing hard to get with you, but outside her home town or home country….

Anyway those girls are not to be taken seriously. Thirty is not old. Their complaining just tells me that these girls have no patience and are the complaining sort – and who needs that! What man ever complains in like manner?

Priyanka Chopra April 29, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Opus, I have to disagree. I’m extremely well-travelled, as is my family and my close-knit circle of friends, and we’ve not done it to screw the United Colors of Benetton.

Matt April 29, 2011 at 6:24 pm

It means, at best, that you can lengthen by about two hours the aggregate length of the stories that you tell each other about your pasts, before you each start repeating yourselves.

Even somebody who cares about that statistic _a lot_…like, to an almost pathological degree, is not going to get all that much value out of their partner’s previous travel experiences.

You love travel? Great…let’s talk about where you want to go in the future, which might plausibly relate to the relationship between us, if one forms and it lasts long enough.

The more you’ve already done, the more “been there, done that, bored now” I’m going to be fighting against if/when I try to impress you. Which is a substantial increase in the cost you bring to a relationship without nearly as substantial an increase in the value you bring.

No, I don’t assume your prior travel was driven by fucking. If I did, I wouldn’t still be talking to you at all. But that doesn’t make it an inducement, either.

Priyanka Chopra April 29, 2011 at 2:15 am

Here’s a comment I left on Date Me DC

A Foreigners Perspective said…

DateMeDC,

It appears that “well-travelled” in a man is something that women would find attractive, whereas “well-travelled” in a woman is neither here nor there for men. Everyone on this blog saying “well-travelled” makes someone more attractive is a woman, and everyone commenter saying “well-travelled” doesn’t mattter is a man.

I think its safe to assume that while there are some traits that overlap in what men and women consider attractive in the other, there are also some things that we as women just have to take mens’ word for with regards to what they do or do not find attractive in us. To a man, good looks are probably more important than “well-travelled” in a mate. I’m willing to bet my life on it.

Notice how quick you were to tell Mike that he and Megan would not work out based simply on her finding “well-travelled” attractive and him finding it neutral!

And what was Mike’s response? “I’ve seen Megan and SHE’S CUTE. I hope to still have a chance with her.”

Again – CUTE.

Yep, men care more about “cute” than they do about travel.

Cute > Well-travelled. All day. Everyday.

Something we women are just going to have to learn to deal with.

Ladies, men are not obliged to find the same traits we find attractive in them, attractive in us.

Wanna know what a man finds attractive?

ASK HIM.

The answer might not make you feel good about yourself, and it might not be what you find attractive in him, but … men and women are different.

Don’t try to superimpose what you think he SHOULD find attractive about you onto him.

That’s just plain unattractive!

One more thing, the use of the word “soulmate” wrt Mike and Megan not possibly becoming because of the travel issue.

How about “soulmates don’t exist”? How about marriages have been arranged for most of the world’s history and still are in most parts of the world?

How do those people manage? Surely they have no expectation of “total package” or “soul mate” but they manage to marry, reproduce, stay together and yes, even fall in love and bond deeply with each other.

Now, I’m not suggesting post-modern America turn back the clock or emulate the cultures of countries that you love to travel to (hee hee), but perhaps something can be learned from not having overblown romantic notions about marriage (or an LTR) and approaching them in a more pragmatic sense.

There’s a famous qoute: Love is a CHOICE.

(And Mike and Megan – choose to have a great date!)

Leon Battista April 28, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Fantastic post

The Private Man April 25, 2011 at 1:13 pm

If we could militarize those hamsters, our enemies wouldn’t stand a chance.

Regardless, this was an excellent post!

Malcolm Tucker April 20, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Jesus they really have no clue.

I mean, this is honest. They really believe their own bullshit.

Mike April 20, 2011 at 5:54 pm

I read that Lilly’s page. It’s a great example of how amoral women are. Reading sites like hers salve any guilt I feel from “fucking chicks over.”

Check this.

So The Lawyer is going old school romance on her. He’s calling her, talking 2 hours a night. He’s really into her, thinking about cancelling a trip to be with her.

How does she repay him?

She starts sucking The Persian’s dick.

While sucking cock, she sees a text from The Lawyer that makes her feel bad, so she doesn’t like The Persian beat the pussy up. Still, she was about to.

Read that blog, boys. That’s what the women you romance are doing: They are sucking cock and taking dick.

Never feel guilty for being a player.

Extinguish April 20, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Sad huh?

kidstrangelove April 19, 2011 at 2:42 pm

dude….. wow

anon April 18, 2011 at 3:38 am

Frost, this is amazing. Now go finish trig damnit!

ExNewYorker April 17, 2011 at 8:56 pm

I suspect their will be no responses to original post. To address it would likely be to much strain on the poor hamsters. Even hamsters need rest…

samseau April 17, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Yes Jim, that is correct. Roissy’s alpha definition is based on their pussy pulling power, and not their actual partner-count. In theory, an alpha COULD have 100-300 partners, but they need not to.

My Name Is Jim April 17, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Think I would’ve tried to keep it shorter n’ quicker to the point myself (but I don’t blog so can’t complain much). Think Cosmo in terms of length and attitude, no graphs, one-friend-to-another-over-lunch in style. Otherwise she’s likely to just TL;DR or pick nits.

Am I the only one who thinks Roissy’s numbers for the alphas are overinflated? Instead of having 100 to 500 sex partners, most guys I’ve known to have lots of appeal to women know to just start being more selective and not have sex with anyone who wanted them. The guys who claimed to have over 100 weren’t the most desirable, just the ones with something to prove I guess, and I think a lot of them were just outright lying anyway.

Susan Walsh April 17, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Twenty’s comment is perfect accompaniment to Frost’s post. Yin and yang.

Proph April 17, 2011 at 10:21 am

so. fuckin’. money.

anon dude April 17, 2011 at 10:13 am

@Twenty

awesome break down of her stupid post

Twenty April 16, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Pretentious, self-satisfied, half-smart urban chick drivel like this is like waving a steak-covered red flag in front of my minotaur. I normally avoid it because it’s such a huge time sink, but seeing it here, I am unable to restrain myself from being mean.

… a plethora of our other fabulous female friends …

::Tweeeeeeeet::

5-yard penalty for self-congratulation. You don’t get to decide whether or not you’re “fabulous”, nor does a mutual-admiration-society get to so decree its members.

… precarious and perplexing position …

::Tweeeeeeeet::

Aliteration foul!

We’re cute.

Pics or GTFO.

We’re smart.

Suuuuuuuuuure you are. That’s probably why you don’t know the difference between “she”, “her”, “me”, and “I”.

We’re articulate

See above.

well-traveled

I will never understand why chicks think travel makes them more desirable. I mean: “So, you’re well traveled. This makes you a better mate … how, exactly?” More generally, it’s not like travel is particularly demanding these days; you buy a plane ticket, book a place to stay, and go. If you do package tours (or the hipster’s package tour, the Lonely Planet backpacking trail) it’s even less demanding.

Furthermore, there’s a reason why the expression “let me tell you about my vacation” is feared the world over.

energetic

Translation: Flightly

fun

Now there’s a word that means nothing.

down to explore

Translation: Entertain me!

And yet, at 29 and 28, respectively, we are still single — standing on 30′s lonely doorstep — with ZERO reasonable prospects.

Hun. Maybe you’re not such great catches?

In the past, we would have resorted to self-flagellation — “What is wrong with me?” we may have asked through tears and a bottle of pinot. “Why aren’t there any guys who want to stick around?”

I call BS. This just isn’t the writing of a woman with a self-critical bone in her body. I don’t believe said self-flagellation ever occurred.

It’s not us. It’s them.

Technically, it’s you, and them, and the environmental conditions. But thanks for playing.

You read the second paragraph I wrote. There’s nothing wrong with us!

Yes, I read the second paragraph. It wasn’t exactly a searing self-examination, was it? For instance: Can you cook? Are you a bore? Do you whine a lot? Are you capable of forming a pair-bond? What are your macroeconomic views? Mac or Windows? Glock or H&K? You’re not a vegan or vegetarian, are you? Etc.

Sure, we’ve got myriad flaws just like any other person on this planet

Ah … you’re a little vague on what those “flaws” are. Care to elaborate?

but there’s nothing so major there as would send anyone running for the hills to return with torches and pitchforks.

Says you.

It is NOT us. It’s you people

As stated above … actually, it’s you, and us, and the environment. Keep up, dammit!

you men and your wayward penises

“wayward penises”? WTF does this even mean? (Well, we all know what it means, don’t we? It means that the men she wants prefer to fuck other women after fucking her, rather than settle for just fucking her for the rest of their lives. And feminism and the sexual revolution have made that a viable option for them. You go grrls!)

Megs and I have spent enough time with you all to come to the depressingly stark conclusion that at our ages, there are simply no acceptable men to date.

Actually, I think what you meant to say was that no men that you find acceptable want to date you. (Well, date you long-term, anyway. I think that “wayward penises” remark sort of gave the game away.) And what’s this “at our ages” business? Were there acceptable men who wanted to date you when you were younger? What happened to them? Why didn’t you marry them? Do you feel any responsibility at all for your situation?

It’s a strange phenomenon that slowly builds as you enter your late 20s/early 30s as a woman. We are watching the window of opportunity inch toward closed because from our vantage point, there is literally something entirely undateable about every single man we meet.

Every man you meet, or every man who wants to date you? (Ahem: Date you long term, that is.) There’s a big difference. If it’s the former, you’re quite simply out of your damn mind. If it’s the latter, well, see above.

greenlander April 16, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Dude, that was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Susan Walsh April 16, 2011 at 1:04 pm

This is so good I’m speechless. I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to see if Katie will respond to her pingback.

MrLettuce April 16, 2011 at 10:50 am

Been Browsing Pre-Crisis. Ugh, god, the comments! So many entitled princesses and manginas…

Good men exist. They’re imperfect, and probably boring, but they exist.

MrLettuce April 16, 2011 at 9:57 am

Frost, now this is the kind of posts I’d like to see on your blog. Keep it up!

CSPB April 16, 2011 at 9:51 am
Ceer April 16, 2011 at 12:22 am

I saw the diagram in the center and instantly had the same impression as the OP. They claim they are looking for “single”, “normal” men who aren’t “flawed in some other insurmountable way”.

This is literally no man. Men are people, and as such, have flaws. The more you get a man to open up, the more evident you will find they they are all deeply flawed. One of a woman’s true virtues is the ability to find a man somewhat to her liking, develop a relationship, and accept in him what he’s not willing to change. This is how your married sisters found those “normal” men who are married.

Anonymost April 15, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Meh, in their current state, with redlining hamsters, they don’t deserve a stable guy. He’ll have to put up with her pathological horseshit all. the. time. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. She’ll never be satisfied with anyone except the top 5%. So, I’d advise them to hold out and don’t even think of settling. They owe it to their faaaabulous selves to expect and demand the best life has to offer. While accepting zero personal responsibility for their attitudes and actions. Harems and pump and dumps coming right up!

Extinguish April 15, 2011 at 9:26 pm

Every girl I’ve ever dated I have liked less each time she opened her mouth and some shiny new vulagarity or meanness popped out. It makes your demure friends more attractive than you. Not that you should think of your friends as competitors. Even though if you do snag a good guy they will all be trying to sleep with him.

Men are far, far, far, faaaar, from being anything like your worst enemies on their worst day.

anon dude April 15, 2011 at 8:05 pm

This post is GOLD!!!!!!!!!

Maybe you do know-it-all

justadude April 15, 2011 at 6:09 pm

“Men like sweet, feminine, genuine girls – sarcasm is the ultimate turnoff” man ain’t that the truth. one of the defining characteristics of the modern urban woman is their screeching sarcasm and pathetic attempts at being funny. ladies, news flash – you’re not funny and even if u were, men are not attracted to that. stop trying plz.

Dalrock April 15, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Devastating. As Pode pointed out though, hamsters are very near indestructible. Either way, a good carpet bombing is always enjoyable to watch. Nicely done.

St. Simon April 15, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Hahaha, hilarious.

Pode April 15, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Jason seemingly has not confronted many hamsters. Consider the following hamster “proof”
1: Truth is beauty
2: therefore beauty must be truth.
3: These statements make Katie and Megs feel bad.
4: Feeling bad isn’t beautiful, therefore
5: That which makes a girl feel bad cannot be true
QED.
Quickly Enjoy the Decline.

Jason April 15, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Brilliant. I hope you get some takers on this series.

Katie & Megs’ hamsters might have just exploded though.

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