A Man’s Workout

by Frost on March 6, 2011

Lots of people work out.

And yet, most of them are fat and weak.

Even the buff gym rats with forearm veins and dancing pecs don’t actually have bodies that are useful for anything other than attracting fake-tanned girls with double-digit IQs. What’s the point in spending 10 hours per week in the gym if you can’t swim a lap, throw a punch, or even climb a friggin tree?

These people all have the same problem: They aren’t working out like men.

So what is a manly workout? I’m so glad you asked:

Manly: Large compound movements that challenge the entire body (squats, kettleball swings, deadlifts)

Not Manly: Dinky exercises to “target” individual muscle groups (calves, delts, mid-upper abs)

Manly: Punishing your body until it begs for mercy when you’re feeling strong, taking it easy if you aren’t.

Not Manly: Rigorously adhering to a predetermined number of sets/reps and marking it all in a little pink diary with a lock on it.

Manly: Explosive movement that require balance and coordination in addition to brute force.

Not Manly: Cable-pulley tricep extensions

Manly: Trying out yoga and pilates classes without being afraid of looking not-manly.

Not Manly: Hopping around like a spastic twit to top 40 dance music in an aerobics class. Seriously, middle-aged men, what is the appeal?

Manly: Martial Arts

Not Manly: Cross-country skiing

Manly: Sprinting

Not Manly: Jogging

I think you’ve got the idea. Work out like wild animal. GRRRRRR

 

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

dddddddd May 1, 2011 at 1:28 am

You do realize that long distance running is grueling and requires incredible strength of will as well as athletic prowess. People die from running marathons.

And I don’t jog, I’m just thinking back to my friend who was a sprinter in college who remarked that “sprinting requires natural ability, being a distance runner takes heart.”

David March 31, 2011 at 12:40 am

Hey, a truly manly workout is unweighted running on the GlideCycle. It is hilarious but effective and a kick butt outdoor trainer…… www. glidecycle.com. Take a laugh and the get going on one.

MarcTheEngineer March 7, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Doing squats properly (going all the way down to parallel… none of this 1/4 or 1/2 squat bullshit) actually reduces the incidence of knee injury in athletes – A well done squat makes for stronger knees, makes for fewer knee injuries when some fucker takes you out by the knees on the football field.

Awesome article… my only caveat – When I just go at it and workout as hard as my body lets me I tend to overwork myself and end up limping around for a week (overdoing pull-ups makes for painful triceratop arms all week) – Sometimes it’s manly to stick to a schedule so that you don’t get yourself hurt.

Frost March 14, 2011 at 11:08 am

Definitely a fair point, it all depends on your recovery speed. Personally, my body can always bounce back from an intense midday workout and perform reasonably well at hockey/ultimate later that night – but as the blog title suggests, I’m still pretty young, so maybe I’ll have to invest in a little pink diary soon =)

Rob March 7, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Agreed.

My lifting routine is a combo of 5×5 and HIT protocol. Also, pull-up’s are bad ass. Manly: High Intensity Interval Training. If you can’t feel the lactic acid, you aren’t training.

s March 7, 2011 at 1:09 pm

No, anyone who says that squats are bad for your knees does not have any idea what they are talking about. They are likely the same people who recommend that you eat according to the USDA food pyramid.

Frost March 14, 2011 at 11:14 am

Very true! It’s funny how once you discover your first example of how everything you thought you knew about nutrition (or whatever) is complete bullshit, you’re able to cast a skeptical eye towards everything.

My knees have seen many hours on the football field and rugby pitch, so they’re not strong enough for 315lb squats anymore. Leg day for me light leg press + deads, 5×20, and jump squats/unweighted lunges/box jumps until I see spots. I’m hoping that training + vibrams will eventually let me get back under the bar…

jules March 7, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Aren’t squats bad for your knees?

Sal April 2, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Not if you do them right. As with anything in a workout, work hard but work right.

Dali March 7, 2011 at 1:18 am

Calisthenics > machine weights.

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