Why I’m not a PUA

by Frost on January 27, 2011

If you’re young and unsuccessful with women, I suppose it’s tempting to turn yourself into a jewelery-bedazzled social robot. But you’ll be better off in the long run if you put the routines and hair glitter away, and focus on becoming a man.

I strongly believe that any man who wants to improve his life should immediately learn game as a first step. This applies to men who are 18 or 60 years old, men who want to bring sluts home from the bar, or men who want to find one good, traditional wife to run their house and raise their kids, men who are handsome and smart, or dumb and ugly as shit. If you haven’t spent 20+ hours absorbing the core teachings of game, everything else you do to improve your life will be a waste of time. You can get as rich and healthy and smart as you want, but if you don’t understand female psychology, you still won’t get laid.

(And really, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Deep down, beneath every surface motivation and rationalization we make, there is one driving force pulsating from our hindbrains, ordering us to do things that increase our status and get us laid. Tell yourself something different if you want, but you’ll be lying.)

So I’ve spent many hours reading about Game. Of course, I’ve read the classics, and spent some time on the forums. I also read several blogs that frequently touch on aspects of game. In the future, if I learn about a new book on the topic that seems interesting to me, I’ll probably buy it.

But I don’t consider myself a “pick-up artist.” And I never will.

Why not? Well, here’s a story about a Pick-Up Artist.


A couple of years ago, I ran into an old friend. This guy was my age and we played on the same football team in high school. He was nice guy, but he was also a bit of a loser. Socially awkward. Fearful. Terminally hunched shoulders. He wasn’t “that guy” who everyone picks on (if you’ve ever played on a high school sports team, you know who I’m talking about) but he wasn’t one of the “cool kids” by a long shot.

I saw him just past midnight on a Friday night as we both walked into a bar at around the same time. I yelled out his name (Let’s call him Mike). He yelled back, “(Frost)! How’s it going!!?”

We caught up for a few minutes. He had just finished his undergrad, was working as an engineer, life was great. Just great!

“So who are you here with?” I asked, and I noticed he kind of dodged the question. He was dressed louder than most, but not outrageously so: Bright orange polo, stylishly faded jeans, two necklaces, a watch, 2 bracelets, lots of gel in his hair. His energy and demeanor were also different than I remembered. His posture was exaggeratedly good, he never broke eye contact, and he talked and moved like he had just railed a line or two in the bathroom.

I was with a small group of friends at the time: A guy and a girl I had met recently, and one of my best friends Jim and his girlfriend Jane, also a close friend. I introduced Mike to everyone, and he “opened” them with a few scripted questions that came off a little forced. Nothing too awkward though, and we all chatted for a minute before heading to the bar to get drinks.

Mike was full of energy and enthusiasm. “Let’s do shots! C’mon, let’s do shots!” He tried to buy the whole round, but grudgingly accepted when I covered half of them. One of the other guys bought another round of shots, and then another bought everyone beers and mixed drinks. For the next hour or two, we all laughed, danced and had a blast.

A little while later, Mike and I were at the bar. I commented, “That’s a pretty serious pendant you’ve got there” while pointing at his necklace. He shrugged, gave me a knowing smirk and said, “Chick crack!” I smiled back but made an expression like I was trying to figure out what he said. Obviously I had heard the phrase before, but I didn’t want to have a conversation about Game within potential earshot of my other friends. So I played dumb.

A bit later, Mike pulled out his camera. “Let’s all get a picture!” I thought, yup, he wants his Facebook profile filled with pictures of fun, hot people. Social Proof, don’tcha know? So we all lined up for a picture. Mike gave his camera to a random and got in the frame.

We had arranged ourselves in a disorganized row, everyone with an arm or two over the person next to them. *Snap.* The picture-taker handed Mike’s camera to me with an odd look in his face, and quickly walked away. I turned around and saw Mike, bent over sideways in the middle of the bar. Jim had a clump of his hair in his fist, which he held at chest level, and was speaking directly into Mike’s ear with rage in his eyes.

As I turned around, Jim let go of Mike’s hair and pushed him away with a, “Get the fuck out of here.” I looked from one to the other and asked what happened. I knew Jim well, and while he’s not afraid of a fight, he’s also not one to start something for no reason.

What had happened was, Mike’s hand had found the back of Jane’s neck while posing for the picture, and he had sort of wrapped it around the sides. Definitely an awkward move, but nothing too serious. Then Jane had turned to Mike and said, half-seriously, “Careful, you might choke me!”

Mike looked her in the eye and deadpanned: “Some girls like to be choked.”

Obviously, Jane flipped out. Jim flipped out. And you know the rest.

Before he left, I walked up to Mike. “What the fuck was that? Are you fucking insane?”

He had no reply. What is there to say, when someone invites you into his circle of friends, and you do something like that? Something so odd, so awkward, so disrespectful, that it just makes you a complete and utter liability in the lives of everyone around you? Answer: Nothing. He slunk out of the bar.

The next day, Mike wrote me an email apologizing for what he had done. He was drunk, he wasn’t thinking, etc. He wanted to know if I wanted to hang out again sometime.

Obviously I didn’t, and I told him that. I didn’t exactly say go fuck yourself, but I laid out that I can’t have people who pull shit like that associating with me. He had chosen to make an edgy, asshole, PUA-approved comment rather than a good impression with some new friends. I haven’t spoken with him since.


I’m sure that many self-proclaimed pick-up artists will object that I’m mis-characterizing them based on my experience with a single (shitty) PUA. No true pick-up artist would do such a thing! A real PUA would have seamlessly entered the group and become friends with everyone, upping his social proof and using us as wings and pawns and blah blah blah.

Whatever. I still find most pick-up artists I meet weird and creepy. I don’t look at Mystery and think, wow, I really want to be that guy. Even the phrase “pick-up artist” implies that learning Game is something done as an end in itself – an Art – rather than just as a means to attract women. That’s just fucked up.

And it ’s not what I aspire to be. I would rather be the guy who gets laid without having to get shot down by ten girls first while playing “a numbers game”. I would rather make women get (and stay) attracted to me because I’m fucking awesome. Do I have a few good lines and some well-practiced stories in my tool belt to grease the wheels? Absolutely. But once you’ve got the basics, you are much better off – with women, and in life – focusing your energy on becoming a healthier, smarter, richer, more talented, and overall BETTER person.

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

bob dole August 10, 2012 at 3:58 am

whoa… am I the only one that sees exactly what happened there??

btw… that wasn’t PUA approved just fyi… its in none of the books to act that way.

Did you want him to be a friend of yours or not I wonder? especially since you know about “game” and what he was (trying to be or ) doing.

He came off WAY too uncalibrated. I mean the girl over reacted (like a MAJORITY of women do many times for any number of benign reasons in reality .. fuck, they jump up and down when they see someone they know OR if someone EVEN looks at them the wrong way they freak out.. lmao ) and PLUS he most likely unintentionally said it like a PSYCHO. I mean he was trying to be sexual and funny … and the vibe wasn’t there.

Yes, He was breaking another rule too. He shouldn’t push material/hookups in a social circle generally speaking, especially one that’s not his own that you would like to become a part of. You fuck up and your done. That’s why he should KEEP going out. I mean SERIOUSLY think about it. You want him to be a social misfit his whole life. He needs to discover who he is as a person and a man. Thats the only way. What is he going to fuck up MORE social circles while learning?? haha.

The person you describe in the beginning that you KNEW was a boring nerd (jocks can be nerds too – high school football doesn’t make you a hero , sorry to say) . He wasn’t happy as that person! who would be! (…? ) I mean WOULD you want to be a jock loser. I’ve known jocks before as well NOT all of them have social skills. Some ARE really great… It doesn’t define you though or make you great alone. Its who YOU ARE as a person.

You have a BIG group of cool friends … and what does he have. A picture of your friends??… hmmm :)

You should encourage him and help him if you give a crap about him ( you called him an old “friend” ). Obviously you don’t that much.. or maybe you do.. and i’m jumping the gun a bit. Never the less, you should at the least as a fellow human being. .. Perhaps your just jaded by your own misconceptions of the PUAs that you see on TV and such.

If he keeps going out and finds good friends to do it with he’ll get better. Its a matter of practice and learning who you are.

Quietus November 15, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Regardless, what ‘game’ refers to- either innate talent to getting women, or skills and wisdom picked up with experience- used to be something personal, talked about between friends. It wasn’t this monstrosity of an industry and corresponding manosphere.

don November 15, 2011 at 9:15 am

“game” is something pretty much only black guys would say back in the 90’s: Yo yo, I got game foo’.

Quietus November 14, 2011 at 4:20 pm

I disagree with the premise. Not that PUA are creepy, but that you have to study “Game” to do it. To me, “Game” is just as contrived, commodified, and fake as PUA techniques are. It used to be guys would swap stories about girls and joke with each other, saying that someone’s ‘got game’ or not. Now Game is just a brand, a pathetic niche within self-help where opportunist authors psychoanalyze caricatures of women. Is there truth to it? Sure. Does it work? Undoubtedly. But men never needed Game to get laid.

Self-help is an honorable genre, but I have no respect for “Game.” To get with women, either to conquer or to have a meaningful mutual relationship, it requires manliness. It requires trying and failing. Certainly, literature and instruction booklets can help guys figure themselves out and act better as people. But to try to find psychological tricks to get women to like you just seems pathetic. What used to be a part of the hu-MAN experience is now reduced to an online fandom that you buy and pay to attend workshops on. That’s why I have such distaste for “the Game.”

Strike out and lose, lose again and again until you can win. Seek support from your real-life friends, not angry losers from the internet. Figure out women by yourself, not from cheatsheets written by one-name douches. Frankly, I don’t see “Game” as much better than PUA.

sirmarjalot October 17, 2011 at 7:57 am

I like the way these PUA self proclaim themselves as ‘alpha males’
alls i see is a deep insecurity about themselves and the constant need to alleviate this delusion with a trophy girl on their arm. They do this like a dumb computer program pruning the search space until they get a hit and call it ‘game’

Mark July 27, 2011 at 11:16 am

Totally sympathise with your post.

Here is what happened 3 months ago, the post just reminded me of the incident:
I am out at a jazz/funk club in the UK with a larger group of friends, I think we were like 4 guys and 6 ladies. We all have a good time, not many people on the (small) dancefloor so we all go at once and start dancing.
Previously I had noticed 2 guys “Mike style” talking/approaching various groups in the bar. So, these two guys come up to two of my lady friends and try to open them. This already did not really work, because they were on the frigging dancefloor to dance and not to chat. Anyways, so I get closer to them to observe. This one guy (after a minute of chat with my friend) touches her shoulder mimicking to get rid of some dirt spot. She is mildly freaked out, turns around and the guy replies “sorry, I saw a hair on your sweater that was as long as my “d*ck” (makes a gesture with his hands seizing length). My friend replied “get the f* off of me you asshole.!!!”.
Both of the guys leave the bar.
jeeezz… baaaad game.

Carmo July 18, 2011 at 5:30 pm

@Frost, just discovered your blog and have to say it’s refreshing to see somebody that actually gets it. Game is a band aid for a greater problem. Fix those problems i.e. learn to be a naturally attractive guy and that’s all the game you really need. Sure the rest of it helps, especially understanding female psychology and motivation but reading this story about Mike made me cringe. I don’t think I could bring myself to ask some canned “opinion opener” without wanting to kick my own ass.

TGP March 11, 2011 at 10:15 am

“because I’m fucking awesome.”

Brother, that is the essence of manhood. Welcome.

Frost February 2, 2011 at 1:44 pm

It’s all about definitions. Joe, obviously you are better off studying game and using it to get what you want. But do you consider yourself a pickup artist, or just a guy who understands women? I’ve spent thousands of hours reading about game, watching videos, talking with friends, picking up girls, going on dates, etc. But anyone who meets me in real life does not get the impression that I am a “pick-up artist” i.e. Mystery in a furry hat and high heels.

Raliv, you sound a lot like me, two years ago. The problem with PUA-style Game is that it’s only practical if you have zero friends who aren’t pickup artists, and live in a big, anonymous city. If you live in a small college town type of community, wearing eyeliner and flamboyantly hitting on 50 girls/night won’t help your cause for long.

And yeah, I’m a big Assanova fan.

raliv February 2, 2011 at 11:26 am

Agreed. I’m young and a senior is college but have experimented with all sorts of different kinds of game. There are all sorts of methods that all come out creepy and weird rather than normal and cool. Especially the night game stuff. I think it was Assanova (probably a legitimately cool guy in real life) who said it is much better to work on your character as a person and learn how to just hold a normal conversation.

You want the best way to meet girls without looking like a line-spouting, peacocking douche bag?

Buy a fucking puppy.

Workshy Joe February 2, 2011 at 6:10 am

Mike sounds pretty clueless. Acting like a weirdo and getting piss drunk has nothing to do with Game.

PUAs like Mystery and Roissy have taught me to understand women. I haven’t applied that knowledge in seedy neighbourhood bars picking up women, but I did get back with my girlfriend and have learned to effortlessly deflect her shit tests and not get hung up on the fact that she is periodically testing me.

That’s priceless.

jules January 27, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Or you could just join the marines.

I tried watching some of these PUA videos but it just smacked of D&D style fetishism, and I was trying to get away from that. To study it, as an art i don’t know, i’d rather read a real book. But I get the gist, don’t get bogged down in the lingo.

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: